Aaron's State of the Union Address
Bipedal occupants of the land mass commonly referred to as the United States of America:
Tonight we gather to reflect on the state of our union and to plan for its future.
The state of our union could not be stronger. In the year 2001, this nation was brutally attacked by an organization bent on the destruction of our way of life. Yet, just a few short years later the average American is mostly concerned with what's on the TV, especially since it's Oscar season. This demonstrates the strength of the American people. Even the most tragic of events can't stop us from pursuing our dreams.
We have kept ourselves safe by fighting terrorism at its source: Walmart. Walmart's low-low prices are increasing individual's buying power and creating a critical mass of useless crap in every household. Unless this menace is stopped, all of our natural resources will be turned into excessive packaging and landfilled out of existence. So long as we remain focused on fighting the evil empire that is destroying our culture from the inside, we have nothing to fear.
Our nation's energy future also hangs in the balance. Which is why I'm introducing a new initiative, tentatively titled: SHUT THE DAMN DOOR, WERE YOU BORN IN A BARN? This new program will cut the average American's heating bills by a significant amount each winter. It will be coupled with a program designed to combat pollution from coal burning power plants. This second program shall be known as: TURN OFF THE FREAKING LIGHTS WHEN YOU LEAVE THE ROOM. Additionally, we are introducing a new program, known as THE BIRDS CAN BITE ME, to help low income families pay their energy bills.
We are also concerned about the country's future financial health. Time and again, we've tried to warn you that the current Social Security model cannot support future generations. You have been encouraged to save more of your own money, and to invest wisely. Yet, you seem satisfied to trust your future to the meager earning power of the Social Security Trust Fund, while pissing away your future earnings at 25% APR on your credit cards. Studies of the future of Social Security have shown that it will not be able to support the population of future generations. So, if you are going to rely on Social Security for all of your retirement income, we ask that you try not to live too long. This way, your poor planning will have less of an impact on the rest of the country.
The recent hurricanes have devastated the coastal states and decreased the quality of home furnishings across the country. This is why I would like to introduce "Operation: Get the Heck Off the Coast and Stop Rebuilding Those Ridiculous Beach Houses." The sooner we all realize that we're not invincible, the better off we will be.
Good night, America. And, good luck.
P.S. Chuck Norris is still a pansy.
Tonight we gather to reflect on the state of our union and to plan for its future.
The state of our union could not be stronger. In the year 2001, this nation was brutally attacked by an organization bent on the destruction of our way of life. Yet, just a few short years later the average American is mostly concerned with what's on the TV, especially since it's Oscar season. This demonstrates the strength of the American people. Even the most tragic of events can't stop us from pursuing our dreams.
We have kept ourselves safe by fighting terrorism at its source: Walmart. Walmart's low-low prices are increasing individual's buying power and creating a critical mass of useless crap in every household. Unless this menace is stopped, all of our natural resources will be turned into excessive packaging and landfilled out of existence. So long as we remain focused on fighting the evil empire that is destroying our culture from the inside, we have nothing to fear.
Our nation's energy future also hangs in the balance. Which is why I'm introducing a new initiative, tentatively titled: SHUT THE DAMN DOOR, WERE YOU BORN IN A BARN? This new program will cut the average American's heating bills by a significant amount each winter. It will be coupled with a program designed to combat pollution from coal burning power plants. This second program shall be known as: TURN OFF THE FREAKING LIGHTS WHEN YOU LEAVE THE ROOM. Additionally, we are introducing a new program, known as THE BIRDS CAN BITE ME, to help low income families pay their energy bills.
We are also concerned about the country's future financial health. Time and again, we've tried to warn you that the current Social Security model cannot support future generations. You have been encouraged to save more of your own money, and to invest wisely. Yet, you seem satisfied to trust your future to the meager earning power of the Social Security Trust Fund, while pissing away your future earnings at 25% APR on your credit cards. Studies of the future of Social Security have shown that it will not be able to support the population of future generations. So, if you are going to rely on Social Security for all of your retirement income, we ask that you try not to live too long. This way, your poor planning will have less of an impact on the rest of the country.
The recent hurricanes have devastated the coastal states and decreased the quality of home furnishings across the country. This is why I would like to introduce "Operation: Get the Heck Off the Coast and Stop Rebuilding Those Ridiculous Beach Houses." The sooner we all realize that we're not invincible, the better off we will be.
Good night, America. And, good luck.
P.S. Chuck Norris is still a pansy.
5 Amendments:
Applauding Loudly...GREAT SPEECH!!!
Your insults are too puny to harm the Chuckster.
I think what Aaron is trying to say, is that he misses Bill and will be voting for "Hill" in '08!
Fabulous.
oh, and Ping!
Really, really good... I laughed out loud a lot! Great speach/post!
And then I was both somewhat saddened and wistful. Man, the truth (while funny) can hurt. Why more people don't understand these basic concepts is beyond me....
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