Russ Feingold Demands Timetable for Immediate Withdrawal from Milwaukee

Note: The following satire is based loosely on actual events.

This week, senator Russ Feingold demanded that the United States withdraw from Milwaukee, Wisconsin. Last year more than 200 Americans were killed in violent attacks in the city.

Worse still, the violence appears to be targeted at the poorest Americans, who are often considered to be the prime candidates for service in the United States military. Some argue that the murders are coordinated attacks, aimed at weakening the United States. Said Feingold:

There is no clear strategy for victory in Milwaukee. When you consider that Milwaukee is a city of less than six hundred thousand people, last year's murders are equivalent to nearly 900 deaths in a country the size of Iraq. Milwaukee is easily as dangerous a place for Americans, or perhaps more-so, than Iraq.

When questioned about whether withdrawal from Milwaukee would cause the city to crumble into chaos, the senator responded:

We are rapidly approaching nearly 10,000 deaths in Milwaukee this year. We must accept defeat, begin planning our withdrawal, and let the chips fall as they may. It is painfully clear that the people of Milwaukee do not want our help.

Other senators on the democratic side of the aisle disagree with Feingold's position. Both Hillary Clinton and Joe Lieberman have responded to Russ by saying that the United States must "stay the course" in Milwaukee. Pulling out of Milwaukee now would be tragically premature.