Subject to Change

Occasionally, I’ll drink caffeinated milk. It’s usually a sign that my acid reflux has gotten the better of me. And, I’ll admit that this probably does make me less of a man, because a real man drinks coffee black. The blacker the better, and if there’s something floating in it that’s what’s for lunch.

I often find myself disgusted by the wussification of coffee. Being inside a coffee shop, especially Starbucks, usually makes me edgy without drinking a drop. I enjoy the smell of coffee, but I’m something of a purist. There are far too many choices on the menu in a coffee shop. I’d be happy with regular, more regular, and slightly irregular. When you need to get high, free refills are a sign of quality and purity. The first time Kelly sent me out for coffee, she wanted a Caramel Macchiato. I couldn’t help but ask, “Creamy Monkey A**hole?”

Have you heard of a Vente Vanilla Latte? What the heck is a Vente? I’ll bet it tastes like chicken. I’m going to start my own coffee shop. My sizes will be mondo, dingus, and booger. And, your booger latte will come with a coupon for therapy. You’re not a coffee drinker if you’re addicted to filtered milk foam.