The Hormones Are Off

During Kelly's pregnancy, I suspected that her hormones were getting to me. We'd read about sympathy weight gain and nausea. I'm pretty sure I got the latter. Whenever she was sick, I was too. Our appetites even matched most of the time. Luckily, she ate normally most of the pregnancy and actually lost interest in food several times.

Toward the end of the pregnancy, my appetite was shot. It got to the point where I was eating soup for lunch and snacking at dinner time. I constantly felt like there was a lump in my stomach. At night, I was constantly popping antacids. I even began to wonder if my acid reflux had caught up with me and maybe caused some sort of tumor or other damage.

After the birth, things changed so dramatically that I couldn't help noticing. That lump in my stomach is gone and I actually feel hungry now. I still have trouble trying to eat a large meal, but that's probably a good thing!

Diaper Changing With an Engineer

A perfect diaper change takes at least five minutes, and there's an 80% chance the diaper will leak anyway within an hour.

A half-assed diaper change takes 60 seconds, and it's nearly certain that the diaper will leak.

What's four minutes worth? Does it justify striving for that 20% chance of avoiding laundry?

24 hours in a day * 80% = 19.2 soiled outfits.

24 - 19.2 = 4.8 outfits saved.

4/60 minutes = 0.06667 = 6.67% of my time.

I'm going to have to wash something eventually, anyway. What's the difference?

Early Frustrations

Cole is five days old now, and we've already got a few complaints. Fortunately, none of these complaints have anything to do with our child. They're all about the child birthing experience.

1) Lactation consultants are heartless. Give me a lawyer over one of these demons any day. They tease you: offering solutions, but never actually following through. They want the mother to tough it out, so they offer false comfort until she can't stand to live anymore. I watched our nurse stare at Kelly blankly while she cried her eyes out. They told her she could try the pump, then told her it was too expensive.

2) Nobody understands the concept of a newborn. Cole's first doctor's visit was today. They wanted his insurance information. Well, I haven't got it yet! The kid doesn't even have a Social Security number yet. As soon as the bureaucracy craps one out, I'll get right on it.

3) Diapers are for shit, literally. This kid has leaked through every one of them. They say, "Pampers for boys and Huggies for girls." I'm pretty sure they're right.

4) Nursing diaries are for chumps. You're never going to be able to keep up on every feeding, bowel movement, and wet diaper. And, for all that effort the doctor will look at it for a second and say very little.

Birth Day Summary

I did all my blogging on Cole's birth on Subject to Change. Here's the rundown, in case you're a regular here:

We Have Wi-Fi: I discovered that I could blog from the hospital, and gave some tips on what to bring.

Will This Land Us in Jail? There were some very invasive questions on the birth certificate application.

Then, Kelly started labor.

She progressed quickly.

Really quickly!

Suddenly, he was here! With pictures, and audio.

After nine months, Kelly got to order a real meal.

Finally, we picked a name.

Longest Nine Months Ever

You'll never know what a waiting game pregnancy is until you've been there. I thought this past few months would all be just one big blur. Really, only the first few weeks were. Then we got a grip. We started to get a handle on just what we needed to do in order to be ready. Of course, it helps that Kelly's pregancy has been strictly by the book.

Kelly's due date has officially been changed, once again, to March 5th. That's tomorrow, by the way.

We're taking this date and running with it. Kelly and I are both agreed that we've waited long enough for this kid to get here. He hasn't been moving a lot lately and we're tired of worrying. Kelly is visiting her doctor in the morning and we plan to tell her that we want to induce.

The way I'm seeing it, I'm tired of needing some fancy doctor to tell me how my kid is doing. I want him out where I can see him. After two late night trips to the hospital, I'm starting to feel like hospitals and car salesmen have something in common: they want to get you for as many extras as possible.

And, of course, once the baby is out all of the pregnancy issues Kelly is having will go away rather quickly. The sooner we can get this part over with, the better, as far as we're both concerned.

My family was asking me if I'm ready. I've been ready since the day we found out. That isn't to say that I haven't had a lot to worry about, and lots of things to get done. I'm just not the type to agonize over things that are beyond my control. So, instead of focusing on the worrisome aspects of finding out that there's a baby coming, I immediately started thinking about all the fun stuff I'm going to do with my kid. I'm all set to drag him to Disney movies against his will, and to feed him all of my favorite foods until he pukes. I like a lot of foods, so I'm also expecting to be cleaning up a lot of puke.

About the Shower

A certain reader has been waiting for me to comment on the baby shower. First of all, it was a major success.

We initially had our doubts because so many things seemed stacked against us. For one, Kelly didn't want to schedule it or send out invites until we knew the baby's gender. As you know, that was an adventure in itself. Then, we struggled with the planning because we weren't sure who could help us out. Thankfully, some friends and Kelly's aunt stepped in when we needed it. And, my mom offered to cover the food and hall expenses. I hadn't thought to ask her for much because I still owe her for my brand new windows.

We decided to make the shower co-ed because our friends tend to enjoy getting "the group" together for big events. We also had a few friends that we thought would be happier attending if we were couple and kid friendly. We were right, apparently. Nearly everyone invited showed up, in spite of the fact that so many invites were lost in the mail!

The day passed so quickly! When we rented the hall we were glad that they gave us the whole day (noon until about 6pm), because we figured that the friends we see most often would hang around late. It's kind-of our way. I remember looking at my watch during the shower and seeing that at nearly 5pm, NOBODY had left! We really had no idea that people would stick around for everything. We both appreciated that so much.

The guest list was quite an interesting mix. A lot of my family was there, and some family friends who've known me forever. Kelly invited just a few of her friends and her aunt Cindy. The rest of our guests were friends and coworkers, a good number of them were new friends that we discovered through my blogging. I heard stories later about some of these guests, who had to explain that they met us on the internet. That always makes me chuckle a bit. We've met some really great people because of my filthy blogging habit. I'm honored that they came!

We received so many great gifts for the baby. As we were writing out the thank-you cards we noticed that hardly anyone brought the "small stuff." That made it really easy to write personalized notes! And, we were able to fully thank the handful of guests who did bring diapers and ointment because we actually felt like we might still need more after all.

What's a Diaper Cake?

This is:



And this:

Whatcha Got In There?

These photos are almost a month old now. Kelly's doctor says she's carrying the baby forward, which means it's all in her belly.

That also means that I don't expect to hear anything about "back labor". PERIOD.

Why So Slow?

I've been getting complaints about the lack of material on this blog. I'd like to clear the air a bit about the "issue." There are a few reasons why I haven't had much to post here.

1. We're busy.

By the time I have an idea about something I'd like to say here, We've pretty much told anyone who's reading.

2. I'm being censored.

I encouraged Kelly to join this blog, in order to post her own thoughts on the pregnancy. There are things that you ladies will tell each other that you won't say anywhere else.

There are actually lots of things that you'll learn during your first pregnancy. We've gone through a number of crazy symptoms, only to find out that they're perfectly normal issues that 99.9% of women get, and apparently don't share with each other until their friends are pregnant.

I was hoping that I could get Kelly to share some of the secrets here. Sadly, you'll have to pick up some of the books instead. For graphic details, "The Girlfriend's Guide to Pregnancy" and "Belly Laughs" both come highly recommended by Kelly. They're full of the types of things you don't normally hear about.

3. There isn't much to report. You'd be amazed.

Trust me, I'm doing you a favor by not reporting every moment. You don't want to know about Kelly's enhanced gag reflex, do you? I'd love to get the sound Kelly makes when she brushes her teeth on tape, but you don't need to hear it.

You'd think that there'd be more going on in the time leading up to birth, but there really isn't. Unless there are complications it's a steady stream of doctor's appointments and shopping trips.

We've got our bags (mostly) packed and the nursery is (basically) ready. Once we finally interview a physician, we're ready to extract our little man. Maybe I'll have more to blog about then.

We Have a Name!

Completely by accident, Kelly and I may have agreed on a name for our son. He's probably going to hate hearing how we chose his name, but I think you'll get a kick out of it.

Tonight was freakshow night at Southridge Mall. We kept running across very odd and sometimes scary looking people. On the escalator, Kelly spotted a teenage boy (dressed in goth/grunge) with some very big ears. His shaved head really helped to show them off, too. Kelly asked me what I would do if our son had ears like that. I blurted out the first thing that came to mind, "I'd send him to flight school."

Suddenly, I had an idea. I told Kelly that we should pick "Pilot" as our son's middle name. The more I thought about it, the more I liked it.

Kelly likes "Cole" for a first name. I have a hard time with it. On the way home I told her we could name the kid whatever she wanted. I'm calling him Pilot, even if it is just a nickname. Somewhere in this discussion she put the two names together, "Cole Pilot." Only, it sounded like "Co-pilot" and I repeated this back to her.

For the next few minutes, I tried to convince her that "Co-pilot" was an awesome coincidence. Then she started to tell me how cute it sounded. By the time we got home, I'd made up my mind. I'm sticking with Cole Pilot unless the kid comes out and looks more like an Ethan Allen.

Kelly has already informed me that we should've made this decision sooner, because we picked the wrong nursery theme.

Junior Likes Christmas

Christmas ended with our first midnight trip to the hospital.

At midnight Kelly was complaining of numbness in her hands. I was concerned because I could've sworn that she'd already told me about blood clots during pregnancy and how numbness was a symptom. I tried to remind her but she wasn't worried. So, we went to sleep for a few hours.

At three in the morning, Kelly came out of the bathroom and complained of a bad headache, more numbness, blurred vision, and difficulty talking. She's never had difficulty talking before, so I knew this was serious. I said that I wanted her to call the doctor this time.

Of course, the only place for a pregnant woman with a headache to go at 3am Christmas night is the emergency room. So, we tested our emergency response system by throwing on a set of clothes and rushing out to the hospital.

At the hospital, we probably made every mistake possible in getting to the right place. We parked in the wrong lot and needed to get an escort to the ER, about a block away. At the ER, Kelly told the lady all her symptoms except one: the pregnancy. So, the lady with the headache probably waited a little longer than she should have. Once we were admitted we found out that we should've gone to Labor and Delivery, they were already waiting for us.

Over the next few hours they watched Kelly and took a few tests. On the plus side, I got to hear (and record) the baby's heartbeat. I didn't get to hear the heartbeat at either ultrasound, so this was worth the trip.

It became fairly obvious early on that nothing serious was wrong and we prepared to wait out whatever series of expensive tests the doctors decided to bill us for. I found a way to make a rocking chair and a broken recliner into a bed and managed to sleep uncomfortably for the next few hours. Some sort of neck pillow is definitely going in the daddy kit. I might even pack and air mattress.

They never did address the numbness, which was the symptom that worried me the most. In the end, Kelly got a shot of pain killer and a verbal prescription for Tylenol (which she had already taken). They sent us home with a handy sheet of symptoms, titled "When to Call Your Doctor." Of course, most of the reasons we called the doctor were on the list. So, I guess we don't have to feel wholly stupid for making a rookie mistake. I think this trip was quite justified, to be honest.

Son, We Put Your Naked Pictures on the Internet

There's really no denying that we've got a boy, or a girl with a huge medical crisis in her future.

Baby Day!

We finally have our answer! After finding out the baby's gender, we spent eight long hours shopping for baby stuff. Pregnant women are nuts, y'all. Follow along, if you dare. I You Tubed the whole thing!

Kelly wanted to make sure the baby was plenty active. She says coffee works. I thought crack might be better.


I wasn't sure what the ultrasound tech would think of me shooting video, so I just started by randomly recording. I figured that anyone watching live would at least know we were "in progress." I was also hoping to catch any surprise moments.


The technitian says "we have a penis." Kelly and I both weren't so sure at first.


A message to my dad, who raised three boys and no girls.


After the news, Kelly lost patience with the camera.


Our friends wanted to see the pictures ASAP, but we were on our way to do some marathon shopping. I improvised some ultrasound porn.


And, the madness begins...


A surprise discovery of a product that must have a thousand uses.

Watch You Tube

Tomorrow is our second ultrasound, to try and figure out the baby's gender. Our friends want to know as soon as we do, but Kelly has plans to go shopping right afterward.

Since I won't be around to blog it, I may decide to use my cell phone to post a video on You Tube (using the new VCast features that you read about a few weeks ago).

The appointment is at 10am. Watch my You Tube profile for an update.

Brave Words

Kelly experienced her first stranger to ask if she was pregnant. It was a donut shop clerk, of all people!

She ran into the store while I waited in the car. When she got back, she was smiling and told me about the conversation she'd just had inside the store.

Apparently, the clerk asked Kelly she was pregnant (or demanded that she was) and Kelly replied that she was. The woman behind the counter said (in broken English) "I knew you were pregnant, you have the 'glow.'"

We both had a really good laugh at this because Kelly really isn't showing yet. We both know she's bigger, but her belly hasn't rounded out yet. Considering how many large people must walk into that donut shop, we agreed that it was awfully brave of the clerk to start that conversation. Neither of us really knew how to interpret the whole exchange. It really was a new experience.

It's a Baby!

Kelly had her official ultrasound today. We saw the baby's spine, its hands, its feet, its lungs, its kidneys, its head, its stomach, its heart, and it's bladder. We even saw a brief attack of hiccups before it went to sleep.

We didn't see the one thing we both really wanted to: the baby's gender. So, lots of mint green and rubber duck yellow may be in our future. But, if I had to guess, based on the brief glimpses, I think we're having a girl.

During the appointment I just couldn't get over how well defined the baby's spine is. Everything else except the heart was often tough to make out. I had to take the technitian's word that the baby had two kidneys. I told her that was good because grandpa is missing one of his.

This is Going to be Difficult

Before we left on vacation I set a goal: let's try to pick a name.

I thought it was a great plan. We could tell our child in a few years that we took a vacation to choose his/her name. We didn't have any bigger plans for this trip, so I expected to have plenty of time.

Four days and hundreds of miles later, we haven't agreed on much. Most of the time, we were both marvelling out loud at all the really bad names in the baby books. I honestly don't get what some people are thinking when they name their kids.

So far, I think Kelly and I have only agreed that Rose is a good middle name for a girl. It sounds nice with most other names and she can choose when to use it. That leaves three more names to pick out.

We've agreed on some basic rules:

1) I won't allow any gender neutral names (like mine). And, I don't want us to pick any names that have multiple spellings, either.

I don't like having to correct everyone and now that I'm older I wonder how much these accidental aliases are affecting my credit score (among other things). Just between us girls, I once received a sample tampon sent to "Erin Kreel." I considered sending a letter to the company telling them where to stick it.

2) Any name has to pass a basic playground smell test. I know kids are creative and they'll find plenty of ways to tease each other. If a name doesn't pass at least the "Banana-Fanna" song it's out! It's the least we can do.

We each have some other general rules. I don't like long names (three syllables is pushing it). And, Kelly wants the child to have a cute nickname.

Cravings and Recommendations

On the advice of "Mrs. Elliot," Kelly read The Girlfriends' Guide to Pregnancy while we were on vacation this past week. She was kind enough to share all the really graphic parts with me, too. This book is definitely a must read for first-time mothers. It really does cover a lot of the things you don't want to know but should, and it's entertaining, too. Kelly was laughing out loud every other page or two.

One of the things she read about early on was "sympathy weight gain." Supposedly, the father to be will sometimes gain weight during a pregnancy. I'm afraid that I'm going to become walking proof.

Kelly and I have discovered that when her tastes changed, mine changed right along with them. Maybe it's all the hormones dripping from the walls. When she started craving dairy (cheese in particular), so did I. All to often our eyes light up together at the grocery store.

We've always been of similar mind when it comes to snacking, but this is getting weird. I don't think we've ever said "I could really go for..." "Yeah. Me, too," this much before.

Aren't We Forgetting Something?

A friend of ours asked Kelly if she thinks about the baby all the time now. She was surprised to hear her say that she's not obsessing over it. I was too, to be honest.

Earlier that day I'd been thinking about how little our routine has changed since we found out Kelly is pregnant. I started wondering if maybe there was something we ought to be doing. But what is there to do?

Sure, we need to get the nursery finished, stock up on baby stuff, pick a name, baby proofing the house, and plenty of other things. But, what should we be doing right this minute?

I would've thought that there'd be so much more to do. Somehow, I didn't think there would be time to watch the second season of House on DVD right now.

Somebody Else's Problem

Life the Universe and Everything is The third book of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy "trilogy." It's probably my favorite of the five books. In this book, Douglas Adams describes a cloaking device known as an S.E.P. (Somebody Else's Problem). Actual invisibility, says the book, is expensive and nearly impossible. An S.E.P. relies on people's natural tendency to ignore things they're not ready to believe. In order to spot an S.E.P. you need to catch it by surprise, out of the corner of your eye.

The first question people ask when we tell them that we didn't know Kelly was pregnant is "how could you not know?" The answer is S.E.P. We weren't looking for it. The newest birth control pills keep women off their cycle for three months and the shots can last even longer!

Kelly had morning sickness and she thought it was a flu bug because people around her at work were getting sick. She also overlooked her elevated body temperature and headaches for the same reason. She'd even commented to me that her pants weren't fitting anymore. Neither are mine, so we both assumed that we'd been building up to our Winter weights again.

There are a few more personal details to this story. I'll leave out the graphic details because Kelly isn't screening this. I'm sure she'll gladly talk about these things ad-nauseum with any female readers of this blog.

After we found out, Kelly was checking herself in the mirror. She asked me if I'd noticed a symptom of pregnancy that one of her books mentioned. She didn't see it, but I laughed and said I'd noticed a week or two ago. I almost said something at the time, but I thought I was just imagining it. Had I said something, though, neither of us would've known what it meant.

Telling the Parents

Obviously, after blogging about this baby on the internet we couldn't wait long to tell our parents.

Kelly called her mother the next day. Kelly's mom probably won't remember hearing the news, so we can pretty much skip her part of the story.

Over the weekend we told my parents in person. Kelly didn't want me to call them first. So, when my dad came by the house I told him that we now have a deadline for house projects and we showed him the ultrasound. Later on, I jokingly asked my dad if he remembered how many electrical outlets we've installed in this house. We agreed that I might want to buy outlet plugs in bulk at Sam's Club.

I used the housework deadline to break the ice with my mom, too. I think she's really excited to be a grandma. That's somewhat of a shock, because every other event in my life seems to have required a lecture. I think that she's really been starting to wonder if any of her three boys was going to start a family.

As we've been telling people, Kelly has been taking all the responses very personally. I think that people just don't know what to say when you spring big news on them. We haven't had any time to prepare ourselves, much less everyone else for this! I know that we're all excited, though. That's what's important.

The waiting is the hardest part, right? I'm determined to make these next few months fly by, so we can get on with the good stuff. There's no sense in getting all worked up. We will make mistakes, but we'll be ready. I can already see that the hardest part is going to be keeping all the baby names I don't like off the list. :)

The Look

You've probably already read my long explanation of yesterday's events. Believe it or not, I left a lot out. Those of you with kids already know what I mean.

One thing in particular that will stick with me is "the look." When your woman is about to tell you she's having your baby you'll know it before she opens her mouth, trust me.

There wasn't much doubt in my mind what I was about to hear. I think she was a little disappointed because I didn't say much. Under normal circumstances, she probably would've been all over me for having no reaction to big news. I guess when the news is big enough it's ok to be speechless, huh?

Honestly, I was waiting for the next bomb shell to drop. Judging by the look on her face, I figured there was going to be a string of information for me to process. When there wasn't anymore for her to say, I was a bit surprised.

Note to the guys: the first thing that comes to mind in this situation should probably not be said out loud. You're best off keeping your mouth shut. That way you might fool her into thinking you're just being cool and collected.

Welcome

Kelly wants to keep track of our latest adventure. I misunderstood and thought she meant we should chronicle it publicly.

So, welcome to the "baby blog" of Subject to Change. If you want all the insider info on our latest addition, look for it here first!