Subject to Change

I’m astounded by people who defend the Ground Zero mosque, claiming that it’s not an offensive idea. If you’re one of them do me a favor: the next time a “reformed” pedophile needs placement get your “enlightened” butt on the phone and volunteer your neighborhood. Maybe I’m comparing apples to rotten apples, but that feeling you just got in the pit of your stomach is what it feels like to be a New Yorker right now. Whether that feeling is justified or not, building the mosque blocks away from Ground Zero is just plain insensitive. I thought feelings mattered!

On the other hand, maybe I’m not entirely against building the mosque. It’s not as though Obama’s Homeland Security Department couldn’t use a little help gathering information. Maybe if we handed them suspects on a silver platter they might be able to prevent a few underwear bombs on planes or car bombs in Times Square. Anybody who would choose to worship at the conquering mosque is certainly a person of interest. Heck, we ought to encourage the mosque to put its worship services up on YouTube. That way I’ll know which hot dog carts I might want to steer clear of the next time I’m in Manhattan.

What do an environmentalist and a hemorrhoid have in common?

Answer: They’re both a pain in the ass.

If they take away my toilet paper I’ll be happy to wipe my butt the old fashioned way: with my bare hand. Then, I’ll be first in line at the next environmental activism meet and greet.

H/T: Jay Weber

I now know that if my child turns out to be a jerk it’s totally not my fault. Global warming is to blame.

No longer can I rely on the assumption that my mother and grandmother did: that so long as I pour all my love and attention into giving my children a good foundation at home, that is the best I can do to prepare them for the future. In today’s world, I must recognize that attending to the environment is just as much a part of a parent’s job as tending to a child’s scraped knee.

With the impending apocalypse is it any wonder that I don’t have time to give my son the proper upbringing he deserves? Bottles need to be sorted green, brown, and clear, for crying out loud! I haven’t got the energy left over after that to prepare three square meals, with home grown organic veggies.

My son is just going to have to suck it up for the sake of the planet. Gosh, I hope he turns out ok.

I drove a Ford Focus last week for work. When I was returning it a sticker in the window caught my eye. It advertised that this was a “Partial Zero Emission Vehicle.” Is that like being a little bit pregnant? I couldn’t imagine what that’s supposed to mean, so I had to Wiki it:

PZEVs have their own administrative category within the state of California for low emission vehicles.

This vehicle category was created as part of a bargain with the California Air Resources Board (CARB), so that the automobile manufacturers could postpone producing mandated zero emission vehicles (ZEVs), which will require the production of electric vehicles or hydrogen fuel cell vehicles.

…

In order to qualify as a PZEV, a vehicle must meet the SULEV standard and, in addition, have zero evaporative emissions from its fuel system plus an extended (15-year/150,000-mile) warranty on its emission-control components, which incidentally covers the propulsion electrical components of a hybrid electric vehicle.

So, PZEV is California’s hat-tip to reality. Automakers couldn’t achieve the state’s insane emission standards and Californians didn’t feel like walking everywhere. It’s to bad, really. They might not babble on so much if they were all out of breath. Rather than admit defeat, California decided to change the rules. Technically, there’s compliance… Technically.

Some people want to put government in charge of health care and this demonstrates exactly why that’s a bad idea. Can you imagine getting a “Partial Organ Transplant” for your “Localized Cancerous Anomaly?” If you stop to think about it, this is already happening! Who, exactly, is the term “Partial Birth Abortion” supposed to fool anyway?

I conducted a non-scientific poll about this picture, which has the NAACP crying in their Colt 45s.

I won’t claim to understand why these girls are dressed like shower poufs, or why they were invited to inauguration day. I just know that the cries of racism are patently lame. So, I took a survey of a strong liberal and a strong conservative at work. Kelly, who talks like a conservative but votes like a liberal represented the moderate point of view.

Liberal: “Tell me those aren’t your bridesmaid dresses.”

Conservative: “Looks like Easter.”

Kelly: “Southern dresses?”

So, Kelly gets the prize for getting closest on the imagery. She also gets bonus points for her blank stare when I explained that the NAACP says the dresses are offensive.

This woman could really use a nap. 

Cue the black helicopters.

So, I’m watching Ice Road Truckers and something caught my attention.

One of these trucks is picking up a load of waste water from a drilling site and taking it south for testing. If it passes testing he’ll return north with the water to apply it to the well field to keep up the protective layer.

So let me get this straight: the trucker drives across a freezing lake, risking life and limb, only to possibly return to point of origin with the same load? Why not build a test facility on site for what this must cost?

My guess is that the Canadian DNR/EPA isn’t willing to outsource this test, yet they’re more than happy to risk the trucker’s life to sample waste water from somewhere so remote no one can get there except in winter. It typically takes a government operation to be that short sighted.

You thought I was joking, right? Sadly, the end of the world really has arrived early:

“It’s a miracle!” McKinney repeatedly shouted Tuesday when she saw the cloned Boogers for which she paid $50,000.

Ok, so Booger was her pet. She still payed $50,000 to get a batch of puppies which will only resemble her dead dog.

In case you’re considering spending the $150K to give your pet eternal life, the best way of cloning your dog is still to let him bang the bitch down the block. Oh, and it gets worse:

Ra said his firm eventually aims to clone about 300 dogs per year and is also interested in duplicating camels for customers in the Middle East.

END… OF… THE… WORLD…

P.S. I wrote this post because it was the only way to legitimately use “booger” and “bitch” in the same blog.

So, I just heard on the news that the state of Utah is testing a four day work week, as part of an insane go-green plan. Hawaii has caught a bit of the stupid, too.

If you think this is a good plan you’re probably a bleeding heart and an idiot. But, I repeat myself. Allow me to highlight some of the key oversights here:

We’re not talking about a universal statewide mandate here, just government jobs. You, know the jobs in the service areas that poor people supposedly rely on. Closing the offices on Friday ought to be a great help, right?

What about the people working these jobs, who now suddenly need four ten hour days of daycare? Again, the people working these jobs are often low income, students, or poorly educated. Do you suppose they’re going to have trouble shifting their child care or school schedules around? What do you suppose that change is going to cost them, when daycare is typically priced for an eight hour day?

If the plan actually goes off without a hitch it will prove that these jobs are useless. Nobody takes three days off per week and gets away with it.

Now that I’ve got you thinking I’m sure you can imagine a dozen other reasons why this plan is whacked. We need to build a wall around Utah and quarantine Hawaii, until they come to their senses.

I just spotted the headline on the USA Today that has been lining the floor of my car for two weeks: Sweeping study finds blacks in U.S. diverse, optimistic. My sarcasm bone went into overdrive

A study found that blacks are diverse? What PhD needed to be reminded that they don’t all think alike?

Has anyone informed Carlos Mencia or Chris Rock yet?

They’re diverse, yet optimistic. Maybe they’ve all got something in common after all.

When I was in school being black was required for diversity. Now there are lots more options: Latino, Asian, female, handicapped. The list is virtually endless, so long as you can subdivide the population into small enough groups.

I didn’t think there would be much value in reading the actual article, based upon how lame the headline was.