Subject to Change

In past years I’ve had some fun with the State of the Union address. I wasn’t so inspired this time. All I really wanted to hear was this:

Good evening, America.

Dick Cheney tells me that play time is over. He’s in charge from now on.

Thank you. Goodnight.

Here’s what I imagine the first draft of tonight’s State of the Union speech must’ve looked like:

My fellow Americans (and Russ Feingold), tonight I stand before you to report upon the state of our great nation. Tonight’s speech will be short and to the point, so that you may resume your prime-time schedules as soon as possible. I mean, how ’bout that Jack Bauer, fella? I sure wish you people trusted our real government to fight terror the way he does. You don’t seem to mind that he’s listening in on the terrorists’ phone calls, for crying-out-loud.

In September of 2001, our nation was brutally attacked by a force of evil, bent on the destruction of our way of life. For the next few months, the nation rallied against this enemy and we went hunting. We took the fight to our enemy and scored a quick victory in Afghanistan and later, Iraq. With the capture of Saddam Hussein, the short attention span of the American people expired. Nation building is no longer in the people’s lexicon, because it involves a long term commitment. They’ve come to expect that any struggle can be overcome in a series of thirteen to twenty-four one hour episodes.

America, In November of last year you voted that you were through with the war in Iraq. Many of you voted for resolutions to withdraw our troops. And then you voted against incumbents and Republicans everywhere. You sent a message, loud and clear, “we want our mommies!”

Well, be careful what you wish. You just might get it. This administration is throwing in the towel. We’re going to let the new Democrat controlled congress walk all over us, and it’s all your fault. The election was just the beginning. You want to party like it’s 1999? Well, let’s roll.

We’ll start by raising the minimum wage. Sure, it’ll make everything more expensive across the board and actually decrease individual buying power. But, what the heck? We’ll just exempt a large producer of canned tuna from the bill, that way the little old ladies with houses full of cats won’t have to feel the impact.

Oh, and do you remember those tax cuts I talked about years ago? We’re giving up on those, too. You weren’t interested in them, anyway, and it’s just too hard to make them permanent.

Next, this country is going to commit itself to burning corn for fuel. We’re going to tell you that ethanol is cheaper and it will ween us off of foreign oil. Then, we’ll stop subsidizing it and gas prices will go straight up. It’s a win-win situation: politicians win because we’ve duped you into thinking we’re doing good for you and the environment. And, investors in ethanol and corn win because we’ve created an industry from scratch overnight, using your tax money. The price of corn will increase dramatically because of the sudden increase in demand.

Of course, the losers will be the other people of the world, who will have to pay more for food because the cost of feeding livestock will also rise with the cost of corn. Also, we’ll need to use energy to produce the ethanol and some say that the energy cost of producing ethanol is greater than the energy produced by the ethanol. So, we might have to buy some more oil or burn more coal until we get it all figured out.

Now, I know that some of you may not be happy with the new direction the country is taking. There is something you can do about it. Nearly two weeks ago I discussed our “Surge” strategy for the war in Iraq. The true purpose of sending over twenty thousand additional troops to Iraq is not to win the war. This is a war that cannot be won in short order. The real reason I’m sending those men and women to Iraq is to protect them from the dangers of a Democrat controlled congress. I’ve put them safely out of harm’s way until the country comes to its senses.

If you wish to seek shelter from the upcoming apocalypse, enlist in the military. We’ll keep you fed and sheltered, far away from all the madness, until it is safe to return to your normal lives.

Once again, my fellow Americans (and Russ), I wish you good night and good luck.